Unlocking the power of repair
There was a great response to my blog last week about my no 1 Hot tip that our relationship must be our top priority. Many of you acknowledged the truth of this and were able to get that if this is not the operating system of your relationship then nothing else matters. In fact your relationship may be doomed to fail and not become the loving place of connection you yearn for.
Sadly the divorce rate is increasing and it seems even more crucial at this precarious time in history that we do all we can to protect our no. 1 investment. Learning what it means to be in a conscious loving relationship is crucial not just for us but for our children. How you operate as a couple, what type of relationship you model is what children absorb. They are watching, even if you think they are not. Everything filters down, it’s called the ripple effect. By remembering that it starts with you, I hope that you are motivated to aspire for the mature loving relationship that you deserve.
The "relationship" must be the no. 1 priority. Every other tip that I will share sits under this premise.
It's all about the repair
The sign of a healthy relationship is not that you do not fight or have conflict but is about how quickly you repair the rupture.
It is worth remembering a well known saying "You can be right or you can be in a relationship". This is a good reminder to pick your battles, is what you are fighting about your need to be right at all costs or something that is really important to you and you want your partner to hear and understand you. Knowing the difference is vitally important. Learning the very important Imago skill of Dialogue will give you the tools to be able to express what is important to you.
Safety is a 'non negotiable' in building a secure loving relationship. By safety I am referring to emotional safety, where you feel safe to let your guard down, to be vulnerable with each other, where you feel accepted warts and all.
If you are worried about your physical safety or there is abuse in your relationship, that is a very serious issue. This must be addressed immediately and is not what I am referring to in this blog. I urge you to get help if this exists is in your relationship. Refer 1800 Respect
In the many moments of our relationship we sometimes unwittingly hurt each other. It can be a casual use of a word, a tone in our voice, our body language, an eye roll, a disinterest in what the other is saying. And sometimes we do intentionally throw out a mean word or two. This is the negativity that can creep into our relationships and begins to undermine our goodwill towards each other and our sense of 'safety'.
Removing negativity and establishing safety is a major focus of the counselling work and the Getting The love You Want workshop. Safety is the essential foundational building block of a secure, loving, conscious relationship. When we feel safe in our relationships, we take a big step forward in establishing the connection that we yearn for. Feeling like you are walking on egg shells, a common cry I hear in the counselling room is evidence of a sense of lack of safety and must be addressed.
The imago dialogue is an incredible tool that facilitates a process of connection between you. The structure of the Dialogue keeps you safe while you begin to address your issues. Learning to dialogue is a game changer and I urge you to learn more about it.
OUCH something to try
A quick repair needs to happen if your partner is feeling hurt by something that you may have unintentionally said or done. I teach the use of the word "OUCH".
When you hear an "OUCH" from your partner, it needs to be addressed immediately. If your partner feels hurt you do not argue with it, you become curious and seek clarity. You stop and pause and enquire, " what was it that hurt you?" Being mindful of your tone and body language is very important if you are genuine about repairing what has hurt your partner.
When you understand what it is that caused the 'hurt', you simply apologise and say something like "It wasn't my intention to hurt you, I am sorry. Could we please do a 'redo'."
These tips I share do have the potential to build the connection between you but like everything just reading it will not be enough. Take action and put these tips into practice and see what happens. If we want something different then we need to be willing to do something different. I'd love you to share your experiences with these tips.
Remember you can fast track all this by attending the next workshop.
A Getting The Love Workshop is equivalent to 6 months of face to face therapy!
The next workshop is only 4 weeks away. There is still time to join and learn how to put all of this into action. I love facilitating this workshop and I so want you to have this transformative and magical experience.
But don't just take my word for it, read the testimonials.
I have extended the early bird until 7 September and all past and present clients get a $100 discount.
I am here to answer any questions or concerns you may have about the workshop so please call or email.